Mary Astor's Purple Diary: The Songs

Welcome to the Mary Astor's Purple Diary Informal Song Repository! Here you'll find "demo"-style recordings by composer/lyricist Michael Garin, accompanied by the lyrics for each song. As our show is still very much a work in progress, there are some newer songs that haven't been recorded yet, so this site is not comprehensive. 

Mary Astor's Purple Diary is a musical fairy tale for adults, inspired by Ed Sorel's best-selling book of the same name. It's a fizzy little cocktail of a musical about a Hollywood sex scandal, love, obsession, growing up, and the media's role in celebrity culture, with a bit of magic along the way. 

The real "Purple Diary" was the biggest sex scandal of 1936 — a post-divorce custody battle between a sexually liberated female Hollywood star and her controlling ex-husband. Our hero, Ed, an illustrator, becomes obsessed with the star and her seemingly glamorous life. Things heat up when the star herself magically appears to set things straight. It takes a whole gaggle of Old Hollywood names, Broadway playwrights, and half of the Algonquin Round Table to answer the question: "Why did she write it all down?"

“Eddie Schwartz” and “Lucile Vasconcellos Langhanke”

[NOTE: These two songs will be sung consecutively and then together as a counterpoint duet.]

EDDIE SCHWARTZ 

FROM THE BRONX

DREAMING DRAWING

SHAPES ON A SHIRT BOARD

MAKING A FACE

 

EDDIE SCHWARTZ 

FROM THE BRONX

DREAMING  SCHEMING

ALL OF MY WORK

ALL OVER THE PLACE

 

IN NEWSPAPERS

MAGAZINES

ALL WILL ATTEST

 

TO ILLUSTRIOUS

ILLUSTRATOR

ED

THE BEST

 

EDDIE SCHWARTZ 

FROM THE BRONX

LUNCH AT

LUCHOW'S

DINE AT 

DELMONICO'S

DAZZLING FANS

 

EDDIE SCHWARTZ 

FROM THE BRONX

HE HAD 

A FATHER

WHO HAD 

OTHER PLANS

 

YOU HAVE NO TALENT

YOU'RE WORTHLESS

A BOY

GETTING KICKED

IN THE SOUL

 

A FATHER DESTROYING

THE HOPE

OF A SON

HOW COULD 

HE TAKE BACK

CONTROL

 

YOU'RE ONLY

AS GOOD AS 

YOUR NAME

THEY SAY

 

AND CRUSHING

A DREAM HAS 

A PRICE TO PAY

 

SO SCHWARTZ

I ABORTZ

AND THE WORLD 

I CAN TELL

 

TODAY 

I AM A MAN

NAMED EDWARD

SOREL

 

EDDIE SCHWARTZ 

FROM THE BRONX

DOESN'T

LIVE HERE

DOESN'T SOUND

FAMILIAR

WHERE COULD

HE BE

 

EDDIE SCHWARTZ 

FROM THE BRONX

EDDIE SCHWARTZ 

FROM THE BRONX

 

ONCE UPON A TIME

HE WAS ME

MARY:
LUCILE VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

WOULDN'T FIT

ON A MOVIE

MARQUEE

 

LUCILE VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

ONCE UPON A TIME

SHE WAS

ME

 

TILL SOMEBODY

SOMEWHERE

SAW SOMETHING

IN ME

 

LIKE RUBES

AT A CARNY

THEY'D ALL TRY

TO WIN ME

 

LUCILE  VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

WHAT IS SHE DOING 

TONIGHT

 

LUCILE  VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

GEE I HOPE

SHE'S ALL

RIGHT

 

IS SHE SETTING

 THE TABLE

 FOR DINNER 

 IS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS

 ALMOST HOME

 

HAVE THE TWINS

WASHED HEIR 

HANDS AFTER

PLAYING OUTSIDE

IN THIS HER DECREED

PLEASURE DOME

 

NORMALCY SEEMS

EXOTIC

WHEN VIEWED

FROM THE HOLLYWOOD

HILLS

 

SOMEHOW IT'S

COMICAL

THIS FATE

ANATOMICAL

 

LEAVES ME

LONGING FOR

EVERYDAY THRILLS

 

LUCILE  VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

WOULDN'T FIT

ON A MOVIE

MARQUEE

 

LUCILE  VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

ONCE UPON A TIME

SHE WAS

ME

"He Called Me Goopher" — Mary sings about her first love, John Barrymore.

MARY:

HE MADE ME FEEL 

SMART

WHICH MADE ME FEEL 

PRETTY

AND THE MEMORY

MAKES ME WINCE

NO ONE CARED 

WHAT I

THOUGHT BEFORE

AND HARDLY 

ANYONE SINCE

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

HE LISTENED 

TO WHAT I SAID

AND WHAT I FELT

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

I MATTERED

NOT A NOTCH 

ON A BELT

HE LOOKED 

INTO MY EYES 

AND SAW 

THE ESSENCE 

OF BEATEN DOWN 

AND BULLIED

ACQUIESCENCE

COULD I SAY

WHAT'S ON MY MIND

WITHOUT A SHUSHING

OR A SHOUT

DID I SUDDENLY

HAVE FREEDOM

DID I SUDDENLY 

HAVE CLOUT

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

AND I DANCED

IN HIS ARMS

HE WAS FAMOUS

AND I WAS 

NOT WITHOUT 

MY CHARMS

COULD I

HOLD ON TO

FEELING

THAT I HAD A VOICE

OR LOSE THE SPARK

HE FOUND IN ME

DID I EVEN HAVE

A CHOICE

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

HE LISTENED 

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

HE LISTENED 

“The Hays Office Tango (When I Make Hollywood Crawl)” — One of the important components of Mary's "real" story is the emergence of the Hays Office and its "Motion Picture Production Code." It is the carburetor that fuels a significant portion of the scandal and therefore is important to the audience’s understanding of time and place.

HAYS:

A STINKING PIT OF LUST

THAT MUST BE BUSTED

THIS CAVALCADE OF ODIUM

TURNED LOT'S WIFE

INTO SODIUM

WHERE DECENCY

HAS QUICKLY

TURNED TO MUSH

WHY SODOM AND

GOMORRAH

WOULD BLUSH

WHAT IS NEEDED

IS A GOOD

GOD FEARING

CLEANSER

WHAT IS NEEDED

IS A GOOD

GOD FEARING

CENSOR

YOU CAN'T SHOW IT

YOU CAN'T SAY IT

WITHOUT MY SAY SO

YOU CAN'T DISPLAY IT

ALL YOUR PICTURES

WILL SPUTTER

AND STALL

WHEN I MAKE

HOLLYWOOD CRAWL

 

NO BAD GIRL

VIXEN

AND NO RACE

MIXIN'

HUSBANDS AND WIVES

IN SEPARATE BEDS

YOU WILL HEED MORALITY'S CALL

WHEN I MAKE

HOLLYWOOD CRAWL

 

I'M THE SHERIFF

I'M THE LAW

MY WORD YOU CAN'T

REFUSE

I'M WILLIAM HARRISON HAYS

AND I DON'T TAKE ORDERS

FROM JEWS

THIS HOLLYWOOD

THIS DEN OF SIN

NEEDS A HOOSIER

LIKE ME

TO REIGN IT IN

 

THIS FESTERING MESS

IS UNTENABLE

AND I WAS ONCE

POSTMASTER GENERAL

 

WITH CALVINIST

GLEE

I'LL DO IT

FOR FREE

WATCHING THE

EMPIRE FALL

 

WHEN I MAKE

HOLLYWOOD CRAWL

"Why Did I Write It All Down" — This is a standalone song that later becomes a counterpoint trio with gossip columnist Florabelle Muir ("What a Story, What a Break") and Sam Goldwyn ("Vay is Mir")

MARY

WHY DID I DO IT

WHY DID I WRITE IT ALL DOWN

WHAT WAS I THINKING

NOW IT'S 

ALL OVER TOWN?

THE END OF THE WORLD

WITH A SPLASH OF VERMOUTH

A PENALTY FITTING

FOR TELLING THE TRUTH

 

THE MUSINGS

I THOUGHT WERE MY OWN

ARE THE LEAD

ON MOVIETONE

MAYBE

I SHOULD HAVE

BURNED THE THING

WHEN I COULD

KEROSENE

AND THEN

IT'S COOKED 

FOR GOOD

FOR A GUY

A DIFFERENT

GAME IS PLAYED

IT'S A BOX OF CIGARS

AND A BIG PARADE

I'M NOT A LILITH

AND I'M NOT A CLOWN

SO...

WHY DID I DO IT

WHY DID I WRITE IT ALL DOWN

CHORUS:

WHY DID SHE DO IT

WHY DID SHE WRITE IT ALL DOWN

SHE'S NOT A LILLITH

AND SHE'S NOT A CLOWN

MARY:

AND NOW IT STINKS

AND NOW IT FLOATS

IT SERVES ME RIGHT

FOR TAKING NOTES

 

MARY AND CHORUS:

WHY DID I/SHE DO IT

WHY DID I/SHE WRITE IT ALL DOWN

"The Algonquin Round Table Dick Joke Song." Does what it says on the tin. 

PARKER:

UPON WHAT MEAT
DOTH THIS OUR GEORGIE FEED
THAT HE HAS GROWN SO FESTIVE

WOOLLCOTT:

HEBRAICALLY BESPECTACLED
AND SPORTING HARRIS TWEED
YET ROMANTICALLY SOMEWHAT RESTIVE

HART:

HE CAN FIX A SECOND ACT
WITH WISDOM AND WITH TACT
A GIFT TO HIM
THE HEAVENS DID BEQUEATH

PARKER:

AND THE GODS DID NOT STOP THERE
FOR LIFE IS RARELY FAIR
HE’S GOT A SWORD
THAT DOTH EXCEED HIS SHEATH…

WOOLLCOTT AND HART (echoing in harmony):

EXCEED HIS SHEATH…

ALL THREE:

GEORGIE S.
GEORGIE S.
HAS FOUND HIMSELF THE SUBJECT
OF AN AWFUL MESS

HART:

IT SEEMS HE WON A RIBBON
FOR HIS GREAT ROMANCING
AND BOFFO REVIEWS
FOR HORIZONTAL DANCING

ALL THREE:

GEORGIE S.
GEORGIE S.

HART AND WOOLLCOTT:

THERE’S BIT OF ENVY
THAT WE MUST CONFESS

PARKER:

CATHERINE THE GREAT
WOULD MARSHAL HER FORCES
TO MEET THE MAN WHO IMITATES
HER FAVORITE HORSES

WOOLLCOTT:

WHO LADY GODIVA
HERSELF ENDORSES

ALL THREE:

THAT’S OUR GEORGIE S.

GEORGIE S.
GEORGIE S.

PARKER:

BENEFICIARY
OF GREAT LARGESSE

WOOLLCOTT:

BESTOWED BY HIGHER POWERS
WITH GIFTS LIKE THIS

HART:

AND TO KEEP IT IN PERSPECTIVE
HE HAD A BRIS

ALL THREE: 


GEORGIE S.
GEORGIE S.

PARKER: 


AN ANTHROPOMORPHIZED

HYDRAULIC PRESS

WOOLLCOTT: 


THE WEDDING OF THE MEMBERS
IS ALL THE NEWS

PARKER:

AND SOMEWHERE DON GIOVANNI
IS SINGING THE BLUES

HART: 

AND ZOLA WISHES LADIES
SAID TO HIM “J'ACUSSE”

ALL THREE: 

THAT’S OUR GEORGIE S.

(soft shoe interlude with dialogue)

PARKER:

Mr. Kaufman can’t see you now…

HART: 

Why not?

PARKER: 

He’s otherwise engorged!

 

[rim shot]

 

WOOLLCOTT:

I heard he got stopped by the police!

 

PARKER: 

Was it a moving violation?

 

WOOLLCOTT: 

It was highway throbbery!

 

[rim shot]

 

(sung)

HART: 


HE CAN WRITE A PLAY
THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH LIKE HELL

WOOLLCOTT: 

BUT IT SEEMS HE’S GOT A CLAPPER
THAT’S TOO BIG FOR HIS BELL

ALL THREE, JOINED BY MARY AND ED:

A WIT
A SCHOLAR
AN ALL AROUND SWELL

THAT’S OUR GEORGIE
THAT’S OUR GEORGIE
THAT’S OUR
GEORGIE S.

"Puzzles Missing Pieces" (f/k/a "This is Who I Was") — This song has been moved and its lyric rewritten, but the recording of the earlier version still gives you a sense of the song in general. 

ED:

 

THIS IS WHO I WAS WHEN I FOUND YOU

WHEN I FOUND YOU IN THE MIRROR

AND THE SUN

NEWSPAPERS UNDER MY LINOLEUM

 

MARY:

 

WHAT FUN

 

AND THIS IS WHO I WAS

WHEN YOU FOUND ME

A SORT OF DAMSEL IN DISTRESS

WHEN A DASHING YOUNG MAN

CROSSES TIME AND SPACE

 

ED:

 

YEAH

MORE OR LESS

 

BOTH:

 

PUZZLES MISSING PIECES

MILES AND DECADES BETWEEN

ONE WITH A PEN

ONE WITH A PICTURE

BOTH IN A MAGAZINE

 

THE LIFE WE GET

AND THE LIFE WE WANT

RARELY IF EVER ALIGN

DOES FREE WILL EQUAL DESTINY

DOES DESTINY EQUAL DESIGN

 

A KITCHEN FLOOR WAS OPENED

FOR VALENTINES AND FRIENDS

AND THAT’S WHEN ED MET MARY

AND HOW OUR STORY ENDS

 

BOTH AND CHORUS:

 

AND THAT’S WHEN ED MET MARY

AND HOW OUR STORY ENDS